The Nonchalant Epidemic
Whether it’s gradual ghosting or continuous meaningless sex, the nonchalant epidemic is on the rise in college towns nationwide.
Growing up in a semi-small town, the boys I surrounded myself with I knew from PE class, had known since Kindergarten, or I had simply known because our parents were friends. When it came to picking boyfriends, they were easily vetted by track records that were on display for the majority of the school to see or my mom was friends with his mom. It was an easy gamble that if we passed each other in the halls enough times, or had a long enough Snapchat streak, we would date. All of this changed drastically the second I graduated from high school.
Like most, my freshman year of college was full of poor decision making, the unfortunate discovery of Beatboxes*, and an endless list of diagnoses for respiratory illnesses I didn’t know I could contract. On top of that, there seemed to be an entire new world of boys to discover.
I had downloaded Hinge, which is a common yet unfortunate right of passage in the world of dating in college. I had found its slight boost to the ego and somewhat consistent level of male validation felt good. Most of the dates were just okay, and did not rock my world in any capacity. Until one did.
I have created a flow chart with the sequence of events when you go on a Hinge date you actually enjoy.
I couldn’t make sense of how going on dates that go (seemingly) pretty great tend to end up in the guy just wanting to have sex with no real emotional attachment. It felt shallow and cold. In no capacity did I want a guy to go as far as making extreme public displays of affection, but after growing up with movies like The Notebook and Grease, I was confused how chivalry and yearning felt like they were somehow only found in fairytales.
I was lucky enough to have both of my parents growing up, and while they did a pretty fantastic job of showing me what a healthy relationship looks like, I understand how some people don’t have that privilege. I can also understand how avoidance can stem from being surrounded by an unhealthy relationship environment growing up. But, the nonchalant epidemic seems far too widespread to be chalked up to being a product of divorce or toxicity in households.
The nonchalantness found in young men these days can be easily traced back to the conservative right-wing ideology that marks emotional restraint, stoicism, and the tired rhetoric of the “tough man” as strengths. Vulnerability and open displays of care and effort are confused with weakness, which in turn leads to indifferences in dating, sometimes friendships, and an overall aversion to closeness and real emotional connection. Societal factors, social media, and even public figures have reinforced the idea that aloofness can be confused with control and confidence. Distance, shallowness, and inauthenticity have become general expectations within the initial steps of dating.
To put it bluntly, being on the other side of this can make you feel so stupid. Like, how gullible am I to have actually thought that someone I had a great time with could be a potential partner? Read that again…The crux is that it becomes cyclical. As the one on the other side, you don’t want to seem like you care, because then you lose all of the power. It then becomes a back and forth of one person not wanting anything serious and the other one just going along with it. This results in not wanting to text them first or asking them to hang out in order to seem like you’re not as emotionally invested. I have noticed that when people are victims of avoidance, they in turn do it to others to avoid getting hurt. Why is everyone competing so hard to NOT care?
When care and vulnerability are treated as liabilities, we all lose, because relationships require a certain level of transparency, presence, and deepness to be meaningful. When one person avoids connection to maintain power, the other mimics the avoidance to protect themselves, and the result is a dynamic in which no one is willing to risk being genuine. The possibility of real intimacy gets lost in the process. Not physical intimacy, but the kind that makes you feel seen, safe, cared for, respected, and loved. This epidemic is emotionally stunting many, and leaving others questioning their own worth and value. It forces us to question our own instincts and the intentions of others. Was I that naive for thinking a spark meant something? Am I crazy for wanting to spend time with and get to know someone I like on a deeper level? The cruelty of nonchalantness lies in the way it makes people doubt their own capacity for love and dismiss their own desire for connection as weakness. The system survives because it convinces us to stop expecting more. Caring becomes embarrassing, hope becomes naivety, and the smartest move is to play along and pretend you never wanted anything real in the first place. It’s not just about dating apps, hookup culture, or even emotional immaturity. It’s a reflection of broader, deeper cultural values that reward detachment over connection.
The only way out of this cycle, or to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is for young people to finally realize that there is nothing stronger, or more attractive, than someone who is honest, vulnerable, authentic, and actually gives a fuck.
* High ABV ready-to-drink cocktails sold in paper boxes that are often consumed by college students