Find Time to be Tender
The more I have grown up the more I have learned how ugly the world is. As someone who struggles tremendously with being comfortable with vulnerability, this observation has made me value my vulnerability more. On my last day in New York, before I moved back to California, I went to the Guggenheim Museum and saw an exhibit by Jenny Holzer that read “Savor Kindness Because Cruelty is Always Possible Later” and it stuck with me. I was leaving the city where I got to know myself and the world better than ever before, and I was seeing this on my final day there.
Learning about the world is exhausting. I think it’s a burden that people who like learning carry. But it reminds me of this Noam Chomsky quote: “As for the responsibility of intellectuals, there does not seem to me to be much to say beyond some simple truths: intellectuals are typically privileged; privilege yields opportunity, and opportunity confers responsibility. An individual then has choices”. I guess I feel a sense of responsibility to share what I know, even though it’s kind of devastating a lot of the time. I think that’s why I’ve always been one to post and talk about politics for as long as I can remember. Maybe I need to find happier things to share. Or not, because the bad is important to reconcile with too.
I do feel inspired by this burden though. It motivates me to make my life meaningful. Especially because I am not religious and thus don’t lean on the belief of fate, I pressure myself to ensure that I am doing something valuable with my brief time on Earth.
Hannah Arendt, a favorite philosopher of mine, frequently discusses the importance of preserving ourselves and the facts of our lives. She says we make our lives meaningful by building spaces where human affairs have a lasting permanence. I think we all impact the world around us through the way we impact each other. I impact my friends as they also impact me. My friends and I and our “human affairs” have a lasting permanence in each other. Those familiar with Arendt know that this doesn’t address her political concerns with the preservation of facts, however, I find her principles to apply quite well to how we, as individuals, preserve our unique human affairs among each other. Put simply: I am a mosaic of everyone I have ever known. My friends live all over the country, but I find them living in my playlists, or in the way I cook, or how I make my bed, or fold my clothes, or put on my makeup. I feel honored to inherit traits from my friends. I love to be like them.
Because I have found the world to be increasingly sad and dissatisfying, I have discovered that it is in my best interest to find opportunities to be soft. Because there will always be horrible things to look around at. Being tender and vulnerable and gentle makes it easier to live while such horror rampages around us, even when it may feel safer to turn cold.
I keep seeing this quote online about how annoyance the price we pay for community. This certainly rings true on an interpersonal level too. Pushing out of your comfort zone to endure the annoying or uncomfortable, in the name of deeper connection, especially in a hyper-individualistic society, is not only how we grow closer with one another; but, also how we can fight the divisive and isolating nature of the world we live in. Of course there is room for reservation and of course be choosey with whom you choose to confide in, but; I question when the decision to open up or not to open up is made in fear. Privacy is important to me, and I often use that to mask my apprehension of vulnerability. Ironically, even after months of trying to write this, I find myself nervous to post it because it feels awkward to expose this part of me on the internet. It’s okay to be afraid of vulnerability; but, I have found that embracing it truly makes life worth all the trouble. If you never open yourself up to feeling hurt, embarrassed, or rejected, you inhibit yourself from deeply experiencing passion, love, and connection too. Even though reservation may feel like a genuine way to protect your heart, it suppresses and erodes away at your deeply emotional core. It is undoubtedly in your best interest to welcome this part of you, even if it may scare you. You are only as strong as you are soft.
